Sometimes I Just Want to Run Away...
I feel the need to start this post off by saying I absolutely love being a wife and mom. I can honestly say I am living my dream life and I couldn’t ask for anything else.
Now, prepare for me to complain in 3… 2… 1…
Somedays are great. I love spending my entire day with my daughter. I love snuggling with her and reading to her. I love cooking with her and just talking and laughing together. I really enjoy talking to my husband throughout the day when he gets a free moment and calls us. Izzy and I get so excited when he gets home and we just enjoy our time as a family.
Then there are days like today. Days where I feel like I can’t do anything right and that I am just “messing up” on raising Izzy. I am in such a bad place mentally that I am so “done” with everything. I don’t have patience. I don’t want to talk. I’m so over the discomfort that comes with pregnancy. I can’t handle the drama Izzy gives me, and her being a “strong-willed” child turns into a negative thing. I absolutely hate myself on these days.
On days like today, I just want to pack up my stuff, get in the car, and just drive. I want to be alone with my thoughts and not be in charge of keeping another human alive for the day. I would never actually do this, but I just get so overwhelmed sometimes.
I hope saying this doesn’t get anyone thinking I am a bad mom, I am just trying to be open and honest. I know it is just my depression and anxiety taking over - but I can’t help but think this is a normal thing all moms go through. Maybe not as extreme… but I bet all moms feel this way at one point or another.
As a mom, it is so easy to give and give and give until your cup is empty and you’re STILL trying to give yourself to others. It is so easy to feel extreme guilt when you lose it because you feel like your day just keeps getting worse and worse.
I know I don’t have to give context, but I want you to know how I got to this point. Right now, my depression and anxiety are at a low point. I am a hormonal wreck from being pregnant. I am constantly dealing with being sick and taking medication around the clock so I am not constantly puking, making it hard for me to care for myself - let alone another person. And when things keep going wrong throughout the day, it is only natural for me to feel more and more discouraged.
Being a mom is the most amazing job I have ever had, but it is so demanding. It is never-ending and requires so much out of you: your time, patience, energy, privacy, and sometimes sanity to name a few.
If you came to this post for me to give you advice on what to do when you’re in this headspace, I’m sorry but that is not what I am here to do today (maybe in a future post I will, though). I am writing this for the moms out there who feel like this from time to time and just need to know they are not alone.
Sometimes you need someone to text you and say, “I know how hard it can be,” or “You’re doing a great job.”
So here I am, telling you that I know how hard it can be, but you’re doing a great job. You’re not evil for daydreaming about leaving for a day and I won’t shun you for being open about the way you feel. You’ll get through today, just know that you are not alone.
Sorry this post is just a jumbled mess, but being in this headspace means my thoughts are all over the place and I am having a hard time getting this to sound the way I would like it to. But I think it is important for me to write this now so my feelings and thoughts are genuine. Thank you for reading this and I hope this helps at least one mom out there.